How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner (Part 1)

what i want in bed

In my years as a couples therapist I have seen that for many couples talking about sex can be very difficult.  Too many wonderful loving people just don’t have language to talk with the people we love about their desires, fantasies, likes and dislikes.  And if we have language it’s likely we don’t have practice.

It is really important to talk with your partner about what you want, and be open to hearing their response.  That is the best way to keep the passion in your partnership over the years.  If you would like some coaching to figure out how to talk about this in your relationships contact me, I am glad to help.  Often in session we come up with specific phrases that feel comfortable in your unique relationship.

If you aren’t able to have a session and come up with a tailored phrase that fits for you, try the starters below to get things rolling.  Practice them in your head, in front of a mirror, or with a friend to get more confident before trying them with a partner.

If you have suggestions to add to the list please add them in the comments section- I would love to read them!

25 conversation starters on sex and consent  

  1. “What could make this better for you?”
  2. “Do you like when I ______________________?”
  3. “I’m interested in trying something, are you okay talking about it?”
  4. “Do you feel safe to try ____________________?”
  5. “Will you ______________________?”
  6. “How does this feel?”
  7. “What could I try to help this be great for you?”
  8. “Do you want me to _____________________?”
  9. “Do you want to _________________?”
  10. “Is there anything you want to try?”
  11. “I love the way you____________________.”
  12. “What kind of touch do you prefer?”
  13. “Show me what you like.”
  14. “Do you want to go further?”
  15. “Do you want to stop?”
  16. “Are you comfortable trying ____________________?”
  17. “Where do you like to be touched?”
  18. “What could I do to increase your comfort in this conversation?”
  19. “Can I ___________________?”
  20.  “Does this feel good?”
  21.  “Are you happy in this moment?”
  22. “Are you comfortable?”
  23. “I really like it when you ___________________.  Are you open to doing that again?”
  24.  “Are you having a good time?”
  25. “Is this good for you?”

25 possible responses to requests about sex and consent

  • No ** saying no and having your no respected is a critically important part of having a strong and healthy relationship, if you’re having difficulty please ask a consultant for help**
  • Yes
  • Maybe
  • I need more information
  • I want to think about it
  • Harder/softer
  • Can we try ______________?
  • I would like more ___________________.
  • I liked _____________ but I don’t need to do it again.
  • I didn’t like _______________.
  • I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.
  • It’s hot when you ask what I want.
  • I would like to do ____________________ first.
  • A little to the left/right.
  • I have a hard time talking about this, please be patient with me.
  • Don’t stop.
  • Please stop.
  • I prefer _________________ on my ________________.
  • I want to try on my own before trying this with a partner.
  • More/less
  • Keep doing that.
  • I have some history that makes talking about this difficult, can we talk more about this tomorrow?
  • I want to _______________, but I don’t want to do it all the time.
  • Definitely.
  • Lets try that now.
  • Can we try it once and then talk about it?
  • I was hoping you would suggest that!


One Response to “How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner (Part 1)”

  1. Great list of specific Qs, Gina. I always find that “What do you want?” just makes me feel put on the spot, uncomfortable, and I freeze up.